Ponderings Of A Gaijin

I came to the realization the other day that a lot of great writers have a pen name.

For example:

Aapeli (Simo Puupponen) that wacky Finnish writer

Yulgok (Yi l) the 16^th century Korean Confucian scholar

Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) - The guy who wrote that…book…about…stuff. Haha! It was great!

Balāi Chānd Mukhopādhyāy (Игорь Всеволодович Можейко) - My favourite writer! If you ever get a chance to read Historia de una gaviota y del gato que le enseno a volar: Una novela para Jòvenes de 8 a 88 anos you will not be able to put it down.

As you can see I am in a prestigious class of writers. I too need a pen name so as to preserve my anonymity.

So as of today I will write as Ludwig P. Schleiermacher.

Now on vis zee blog!

How long have I been here??

If you’ve ever lived in a foreign country you know that people are interested in how long you’ve lived there. (Or at least they fake interest, in which case I fake being there.)

Living in Japan is no exception. I would like to add that the Japanese have a fondness for large numbers so when asked about height they use centimeters, when buying a beer at the local pub you’ll pay in the hundreds of yen and body weight is measured in yoctograms (yg, 10^-24g): 60% of a hydrogen atom. But of course, you knew that.

Keeping with Japanese culture, when asked I now respond with:

Hi I’m Ludwig P. Schleiermacher (paying off already!)

I’m 173.3 centimeters tall and 8.164662660000001e28 yoctograms.

I have been in Japan for 257,644,800* seconds.

Don’t forget to add seconds as you are standing there, people love that.

*the author acknowledges that since the writing of this blog, the time has changed.

Busy people

I love watching people on the train. Especially the lady people! Kidding aside, I often marvel at the routines people will go through so as to avoid making eye contact with anyone. In fact, they are often seen stapling their eyelids shut so as not to accidentally open them and see their reflection in the window.

One particular person that baffles me is the ‘Incredibly Busy’ person. This male or female (more often female) will take a schedule book from their bag and study it. And I mean study it like it contained the secrets of the universe. Problem is IT’S EMPTY! There is nary an appointment. Not a smudge. And as they carefully turn each blank page I try to imagine their thoughts.

Young lady – Hmm, what do I have to do today? Hmmm, nothing. Okay. How about tomorrow? Hmmm, nothing tomorrow too. How about the day after tomorrow? Hmmm, nothing as well. How about…..etc, etc, etc…*

But then! Just when I think they’ve managed to commit their schedule to memory, they enter some incredibly important, ground breaking, earth shaking information!

Young lady – (writing) Tuesday, May 10^th.

Don’t forget to check schedule tomorrow.

*this lasts as long as the commute. And once when I was traveling from Kobe to Tokyo, this young lady reached in her bag and…

Time Warp People

I love these people…in a root canal kinda way.

These people have special powers that enable them to manipulate time. I know this because when they board a train (in front of me) they slow waaaaaaaaaay down. See, they are stopping time. As soon as they cross the threshold of the train door, they stop moving. Then they look around the train as if they’ve never seen an ‘iron horse’ before.

I figure they must have stopped time or they’d realize that THEY ARE PISSING ME OFF!! GET MOVING YOU YAK HERDER!! Just get on the dam train, then take your meds, clear your head and figure out why you got on the train in the first place.

Seriously I should just start drinking Jack and smoke on the train. Anything to calm me down after putting up with this every day!

….

….

….

Okay, I feel better now.

Living in a foreign country is always interesting (except maybe North Korea) and I think I understand how aliens would feel if they existed and if they visited. That said I highly recommend living abroad..or even with a broad.

So in the immortal words of Sergeant Phil Esterhause: Hey, let's be careful out there.

MikeyB

No wait!

Ludwig P. Schleiermacher

Wew! That was close!

Enormous Breaking Flashing Board News Ticker In Times Square!!!

Gaijin For Life and the "Best F#cking Gaijin Blog Ever" is freaking BACK!!!!

I know I know! Mikey and I should feel terrible for ignoring all of our five readers for so long! Last time we posted we broke up with J-pop and we decided that England was terrible at...wait for it...SOCCERRRR!!

The fact is that since the last post, life has been a bit on the hectic side. I'm not using that as an excuse for not posting (sheer laziness can be blamed for that). However, I have been dealing with a pregnant wife (due in late July) and a life-threatening disease (I'm fine), record shattering earthquakes and subsequent tsunamis, tornadoes in the homeland that hit, Osama bin Laden sleeps with the fishes and got whacked by a SEAL (still happy about that) and Mikey has been possessed by something that crawled into his brain and squirmed around like a parasite. Mikey, I shit you not, has quit the beer.

Now be it as it may, it is a temporary lull. Three months to be exact. Ninety days. Five thousand four-hundred hours. Not that I'm counting.

Whereas I should in every way humanly possible be supporting my fellow author and partner for the "Best F#cking Gaijin Blog Ever," I must admit that this is tough.

I found out about this over Facebook (summabitch didn't even have the balls to tell me to my face) and I thought he was lying. There have been many a meatnight missed, many a balcony brews gone to waste, and Mikey, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm your friend and as such, I need to tell you this: You're hurting those close to you. You need help.

Seriously. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're eyes are clear, your shirt is ironed, you smell like Ivory soap, and what's this I hear about you eating a salad!? You disgust me!

Anyway, back to Japan. Has anyone ever seen roadkill in Japan before? I just saw Kitty Cat bloodied up and laying in the middle of the Flower Road/Yamate Kansen intersection today and it was a good fresh one. Let me know if anyone has seen this before.

Either way, welcome back, we hope to entertain you and make you giggle like a hyena. We'll post more soon.

Mikey, grab a beer! You're up!!