My Most Sincere Apologies

It has come to my attention that I have not been heeding my duties as a blog-master. For this reason, my apologies go out to all of you, my loyal minions.

But on to the awesome future!!!!

As I sit here hungover from not only last night, but also the past world cup, I realized something pretty cool....England SUCKS!!!!

Now before all you Brits mob me like the final scene of Green Street Hooligans (I've got a point to make about this), I have plenty of reasons.

Reason 1: Wayne Rooney. We have a chant for this back in America that annoys the whole world (as if anything America does doesn't annoy the whole world) which goes something like this. Sure, he's great for his club and keeps the loyal Manchester United supporters singing. But for country? I'll give him one thing - 65 caps and 25 goals. Not too shabby. But keep in mind that most of these goals come in friendlies. Also known as "games that don't actually matter." Put him in the World Cup or Euro qualifiers, and he wanders around the field wondering where he's going to buy his next hooker from.

Reason 2: Keepers. England couldn't keep a camel out of a toaster oven with a shotgun. Their keepers are phenomenally awful. In the Sun's recent survey of the Top 10 Premier League Goalkeepers, there are only three Brits. Basically, f the Premiership made rules limiting foreigners, the season record for goals would be shattered in three games. By the by, Robert Green made that top ten list. You know your keepers are shit when Robert Green is the seventh best keeper in your league. Let us not forget this beauty:













Bend over and take it like a man.

Oh, and Tim Howard is the man!

Reason three: David Beck-ham is your hero. Refer to reason one, and then check out my homie's site Beer and Soccer dot com. I was going to copy and paste the whole article, but it's not my joke. David Beck-ham: whatapuss. He needs to re-negotiate his hair treatment contract. The sooner he leaves America the better. I hope he gets shot in LA.

Reason 4: England invented the game. This has happened time and time again all over the world in all types of sports. Baseball: the Japanese and Dominicans OWN that game. Sumo: Mongolians dominate the sport. Cricket: Belongs to the Aussies. Rugby: pick a country - Wales even took that one from you guys and they aren't even on the Union Jack. I would have to say that soccer belongs to the Brazilians. If not, their women have the best asses so we'll give it to them just so we can see more Brazilian women on TV.

The fact of the matter is that I could go on like his forever. It seems that there are no English in the English league. There are no English anywhere else. England is a mediocre team who used to be good. There are tons of plastic fans for England who probably couldn't name anyone other than the aforementioned muppet duo of Wayne & Becks.

England sucks, but I love your beer and your bars. See ya tonight for Wayne "more-problems-than-a -shrink" Rooney vs. Tim "I-dare-you-to-shoot" Howard.

I'm out.